YOU KNOW YOU'RE ASIAN IF...
  
     1.Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
     2.Your dad is some sort of engineer.
     3.Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying
          you were 12 when you were really 15.
     4.You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later
          they're still lecturing.
     5.You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
     6.You shop 99 Ranch.
     7.Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your
          ancestors were from.
     8.You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
     9.Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
    10.You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly
          Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest
          or library.
    11.Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
    12.You drive mostly Japanese cars.
    13.You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock
          bottom.
    14.You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
    15.At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "
    16.You know what bok choy is.
    17.You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
    18.Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and
          closet doors.
    19.You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone
          calls you.  (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
    20.You have NO eyelashes.
    21.Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
          languages, like the ever-so- popular: ching chong woo bok chi,
	 etc.
    22.Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
    23.The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii)
          was last night's dinner.
    24.Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
    25.At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.
    26.Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
          midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied
	  even more."
    27.Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the
          street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
    28.An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your
          mother?  Well then, is it your sister?"
    29.Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.
    30.Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
    31.Everyone thinks you're good at math.
    32.Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's"
    33.You like $1.75 movies
    34.You like $1.50 movies even more.
    35.Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia
          with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no
          sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and
          the ever popular lime green.
    36.Your parents insist you marry within your race.
    37.You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other
          imitation oriental food.
    38.You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want
          to stay away from it.
    39.Your parents have never kissed you
    40.Your parents have never kissed each other
    41.You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than
          your parents
    42."You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have
          shoes!!"
    43.People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to
          translate.
    44.You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and
          Uncle."
    45.You have 12+ aunts and uncles
    46.In expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for
          your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
    47.Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say
          "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
    48.The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick
          glasses.
    49.You will most likely be taller than your parents.
    50.Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or
          both.
    51.You get nothing if you do well in school, but get beat up if you
          don't.
    52.When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a
          gift.
    53.Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones
          with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
    54.Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
    55.Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e.,
          Michael Chang)
    56.The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the
          carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
    57.You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown
          substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
    58.You own a rice cooker or two.
    59.You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
    60.Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
    61.Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to
          school, how horrible the weather was in their native country,
          and how much they still appreciated going.
    62.Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you
          can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."
  
  
    HOW TO BE A PERFECT ASIAN PARENT
  (FROM THE 2ND GENERATION PERSPECTIVE)
  
     1.Be a little more lenient on the 7 pm curfew.
     2.Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home
          with a 99 course grade on his/her report card.
     3.Don't "aiie-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
     4.Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Hah-phoo (Harvard),
          Yale-uh (Yale), Stan-phoo (Stanford), and Emeh-i-tee(MIT).
     5.Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the
          entire Asian community.
     6.Don't ask your child, "what are you going to do with you life?" if
          he/she majors in a non-science field.
     7.Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of
          bangs.
     8.Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their
          poor taste or inept social skills.
     9.Incorporate other phrases besides "did you study yet?" into your
          daily conversations with your children.
    10.Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a
          boy/girlfriend yet.
  
    HOW TO BE A PERFECT ASIAN KID
  (FROM THE 1ST GENERATION PERSPECTIVE)
  
     1.Score 1600 on the SAT.
     2.Play the violin or the piano on the level of a concert performer.
     3.Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
     4.Have three hobbies: studying, studying, and more studying.
     5.Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough
          scholarship to pay for it.
     6.Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
     7.Become a Westinghouse, Presidential, and eventually a Rhodes
          scholar.
     8.Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
     9.Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful
          children.
    10.Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood...especially the
          one about walking 7 miles to school without shoes.