A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH

     
     Dec 8   5:00 pm - it's starting to snow. The first of the season and
     the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot 
     buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes 
     drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was 
     beautiful!
     
     Dec 9   We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering 
     the
     landscape. What a fantastic site. Every tree and shrub covered with a 
     beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years 
     and loved it. I shoveled both our drive and sidewalk. Later, a city 
     snowplow came along and accidentally covered our drive with compacted 
     snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and 
     shoveled our drive again.
     
     Dec 10  It snowed an additional 6 inches last night and the 
     temperature
     has dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs from the trees and 
     shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled again. 
     Shortly after, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of 
     the snow is now brownish-gray.
     
     Dec 11  It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which
     soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires 
     for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145
     to a chiropractor but nothing broken. More snow and ice expected.
     
     Dec 12  Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4X4 in order to 
     get
     her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount 
     of damage to the right rear quarter pane. Had another 8 inches of that 
     white shit last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More 
     shoveling in store for me today. That goddam snowplow came by twice 
     today.
     
     Dec 13  2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on 
     my
     property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
     Tried to keep from freezing to death with a kerosene heater which
     tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the 
     flames out but suffered 2'nd degree burns on my hands and lost most of 
     my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency 
     room and was totalled!!
     
     Dec 14  Goddam mother-fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to 
     put
     on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If
     I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew 
     open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the 
     corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the 
     street about 60 MPH and buries our drive again. Power still off. 
     Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
     
     Dec 15  6 goddam more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet 
     and
     fuckin' ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin's shit fell 
     last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe but 
     he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm going 
     snow-blind. I can't move my toes. More fucking snow expected tonight. 
     I'm moving the fuck back to Texas!!!